


Is it Really Fair to Feel This Way Inside?

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: Feels Like Heaven [47]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Drama, F/M, Family, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-26
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-08-11 02:55:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7873432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wasn’t going anywhere for as long as she needed him.  Olivia knew it…he had proven it time and time again.  But every time she asked, Ed made sure he said it aloud just to ease her mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is it Really Fair to Feel This Way Inside?

**Author's Note:**

> A portion of The Snow Day, by Ezra Jack Keats is used in this story. I own no rights to it and I have no money so please don’t sue.

Ed looked at the text message on his phone before putting it in the nightstand. He stroked his hand through Liv’s hair, listening to her sigh.

“Lucy will be back with Noah in about 20 minutes.”

“I have to get myself together.” Liv sat up and wiped her tearstained eyes and face.

“You had a bad day; everyone is allowed a bad day. Do you want me to give Noah his bath and put him to bed?”

“He can wash up in the morning. I want to spend time with him tonight, I want mama time. I haven’t been myself for a little while and I miss being with my baby.”

“You two can read a story and sing some sleepy songs together.” Ed smiled and caressed Liv’s face. “I'm sure he will love it.”

“Sometimes I get jealous.” She said. “I never mean to but I'm sure a lot of moms do.”

“Of what?”

“Daddy.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Are you kidding?” Liv shook her head as more tears slid down her cheeks. “Noah has a fantastic daddy, don’t you ever apologize for that.”

“C'mere, baby.”

Ed pulled her into his arms and Liv held on tight. She wasn’t done crying; there was some sobbing to do as well. He knew for about a week that she was walking off the center line. Ed knew when Liv was dealing with those feelings that if he pushed, she would push back harder. So he relaxed and let her know that he was here if he needed her. 

Liv knew that, told him that she knew that, but continued on as if she had control of everything. She was working multiple tough cases, had some dealings with Chief Dodds that left her reeling, and wasn’t sleeping well at night. It all came crashing down today. Liv was falling and late this afternoon, she hit the ground.

She called Ed crying, told him that she needed him home right away. It was a good thing that he wasn’t in the field. There was no way he could do his job knowing that he couldn’t get to her. One of the ESU officers brought him to within a block and a half of their condo, and he ran the rest of the way. Lucy was in Noah’s bedroom with the toddler when he got there.

“ _Hi, Daddy!”_

_“Hey bud, are you alright? Lucy, where’s Liv?”_

_“She's in the bedroom.” Lucy replied and then lowered her voice. “She's not alright, Captain Tucker.”_

_“I know, she called me. Did she say anything to you?”_

_“Just that she couldn’t. All she did was hold up her hands and say she couldn’t. Noah was really confused. You know when she comes home she's usually ready for hugs and kisses.”_

_“Yeah.” Ed nodded. “Can you do me a favor? Can you take Noah out for a couple of hours? Just have some dinner, maybe take a nice walk or go to Gameland. I wouldn’t normally ask you to work the overtime but…”_

_“It’s not a problem.” Lucy put on a smile. “Overtime with Noah is never really work.”_

_“You're a godsend.” Ed pulled his wallet from his back pocket and gave Lucy a $50 bill. “Tonight is on me, I think you guys might enjoy burgers or pizza. Just tire him out for us if you can Lucy. And you,” he sat down on Noah’s bed. “Lucy is going to take you to dinner and then out for a little while, OK?”_

_“Mama.” Noah pointed toward Olivia’s bedroom._

_“Mama is going to be just fine.” Ed put Noah on his lap. “I think she just had a bad day and needs a little nap. When you come home there will be plenty of hugs and kisses.”_

_“Promise.”_

_“I pinky swear.” Ed held out his pinkie and then Noah wrapped his little pinky around it._

_“Love you.” Noah said._

_“I love you too, Noah.” He got up from the bed. “Thank you, Lucy.”_

_“Of course, Captain Tucker.”_

_Eventually he would help her get out of the habit of calling him Captain Tucker. It made him feel like Christopher Plummer in The Sound of Music. At this moment it was not at the top of his priority list. Ed left Noah’s room and went to the closed door of his own bedroom. He knocked but received no reply._

_“Baby, it’s me and I'm coming in.” Ed walked in and closed the door behind him._

_Liv was lying in bed crying. Ronin was with her, whenever Liv cried the dog was always there to comfort her. Ed kicked off his shoes and joined them both. Liv just looked at him. Then she rolled her eyes and Ed knew exactly what it meant. She hated that she had gotten emotional and now he was “coming to her rescue”. He just wiped her tears and gave her an encouraging look._

_“They had to shoot a dog today.” She whispered._

_“Who?”_

_“ESU. It was a DV call and she called me. There was a restraining order on her ex, he's already facing rape and battery charges. We went to the apartment, with sufficient backup, and he unleashed his dog on the police. And ESU had to shoot the dog. Being outside, and not being able to help her…”_

_“It took you back to Munson’s.” Ed knew that feeling all too well._

_“Those gunshots.” Liv closed her eyes. “Why did I leave him in that house?”_

_“Because his children needed your protection. You were there to protect a battered woman and her children.”_

_“So was Dodds!”_

_“I know baby, I know. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you lost an officer, and I'm sorry that you lost a friend. He was doing his job just like you were. There was nothing you could've done to prevent him from being shot.”_

_“How could it have been his time? He had everything ahead of him.” Liv sniffed and wiped her nose with the back of her hand._

_“I don’t know if I believe in it ever being someone’s time.” Ed said. “It’s hard to think about loss in that way. But the question becomes how do you think about it. How do you cope with it?”_

_“I think Chief Dodds blames me.” Liv said._

_“I think you blame yourself. You did everything you were supposed to and after it happened you never left his side.”_

_“You never left my side.”_

_“Because I love you.” Ed said._

_“Mike loved someone too.” Olivia barely got the words out before her throat closed up on her._

_She collapsed into tears. Ed pulled her into his arms and held her. It wouldn’t be the first time and surely not the last. He held back his own emotions, needed to be strong for her right now. But hearing Liv sob and knowing that she was blaming herself for this was heartbreaking._

_It wasn’t surprising but still heartbreaking. She went on with her life, one had to if they could, but this ate her up every day. The loss of Mike Dodds was heavy on all of their hearts. But she was the Lieutenant, this was her squad. They were Liv’s cops and it was her job to get them home at night._

_Mike Dodds was never going home again. How could Liv lead if she couldn’t protect her people? Ed didn’t think she was incapable but he knew that’s what she was wrestling with. Not to mention that he knew William Dodds had at one point looked at her like another protégé. She could be the female version of Mike, under his tutelage, if she wanted to be. Now Olivia feared that he hated her._

_She feared that he blamed her as much as she blamed herself. The professional repercussions of that blame could be far-reaching. Ed wasn’t sure if that was the case. Dodds was in mourning too. But he also knew that when men were in that kind of pain striking out at someone was not unheard of. He wasn’t going to let that someone be Liv._

_“Just tell me what you need.” He said, stroking her hair as she cried into his chest._

_“Don’t let go.”_

_“I'm here, baby.”_

_“Pinky swear?”_

_Ed smiled, took her pinky and wrapped it around his. He wasn’t going anywhere for as long as she needed him. Olivia knew it…he had proven it time and time again. But every time she asked, Ed made sure he said it aloud just to ease her mind_.

“I'm going to use the bathroom.” Liv pulled out of his embrace and got up from the bed. “I don’t want Noah to be worried about me when he gets back. I need to do something with this face.”

“It’s a very beautiful face.” Ed said.

“Thanks. I'm just gonna freshen up and then change into something more comfortable.”

“You should probably have some food too.”

Liv said OK but she didn’t think her appetite would be good for her tonight. Still, most likely she would end the night with a Xanax or Zoloft to go with her Ambien and that was surely a bad idea on an empty stomach. So Ed was right about getting some food. Noah had already eaten with Lucy so she didn’t have to worry about that. Liv didn’t want pizza or takeout, she wanted something comforting. Poking her head out of the bathroom door she saw Ed was also undressing and putting on his home clothes.

“Would you make me some cornbread?” she asked.

“We've got some Jiffy in the cabinet, I'm sure of it. If that’s what you want.”

“I want something warm and comforting.”

“Cornbread fits the bill. You got it, baby. I'm also going to feed and walk the dog too.”

“I’ll be out in a little while.”

“Take all the time you need.”

When Liv emerged from the bathroom and bedroom, Ed was already in the kitchen mixing cornbread batter. Ronin was eating happily from his food bowl. She walked in and gave him another kiss.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Liv.”

“Even when everything is crumbling around me?” she asked.

“Even more so then. Don’t ever be afraid to let go, I'm always going to catch you. At the very least we can fall together. I’ll help cushion some of the blow.”

Liv smiled, though it was sad. She wanted to say something else, there was always something else, but Lucy was using her key to get into the house.

“Welcome back, guys.” Liv put on a big smile and walked into the living room. The dog followed her. She scooped Noah out of Lucy’s arms and into her own. “Hello, my love.”

“Hi mama.”

“I need lots of hugs and kisses, do you have some for me?”

“Yes.” Noah grinned, hugging and kissing his mother with all the gusto in his toddler body. It made Olivia smile for real. Holding him, squeezing him, was always going to make the bad things go away for a while.

“Are you alright, Liv?” Lucy asked.

“I will be I think. One day at a time, you know?”

“Yeah.” The nanny nodded. Then she laughed as Ronin licked her hand.

“Cut it out, Ronin.” Ed said.

“It’s OK, Captain. I guess I didn’t wipe all the pizza sauce off after we had dinner.” She petted Ronin’s head. “I’ll see you tomorrow, big guy. And I’ll be here at 8:15 to pick up Noah.”

“The plan is to have him dressed and ready.” Ed said. “Sometimes our plans actually work.”

“Lucy, you are a godsend.” Liv said.

“Captain Tucker said the same thing.” She smiled. “Oh by the way, I have your change.”

“Keep it Lucy, please. You’ve done so much for us. I'm glad you were here tonight.”

“Thank you, sir. Are you sure?”

“I'm sure.” Ed nodded. He disappeared for a moment as he put the cornbread in the oven.

“Well I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Goodnight, Lucy.”

The nanny showed herself out and Liv started carrying Noah into his bedroom. It was getting close to his bedtime. She wanted to get him in pajamas before they read a story or sang some songs. Noah was already a little drowsy but had definitely pepped up some for full mommy attention. He picked out his own pajamas but let Liv undress him. 

He needed his Pull-Ups for bed; they were doing well with the potty training but neither Liv nor Ed thought he was ready to go all night in underwear. The pediatrician said Pull-ups were normal, some kids wore them to bed for six months to a year out of diapers. All bladders, especially growing ones, developed differently. So once he was dressed in his puppy pajamas, he climbed up onto the bed with his mother and his favorite book of the moment, The Snow Day.

“Book, mama.” Noah said, handing it to Olivia.

“Are you sure you want to read _The Snow Day_ again?” she asked.

“Yes.” He nodded.

“OK, then _The Snow Day_ it is.”

“Baby?” Ed stuck his head in the bedroom door. “I'm going to walk Ronin and could be gone 15-20 minutes. I have the timer on for the cornbread. You'll want to take it out of the oven when the timer goes off.”

“Alright.” Liv nodded.

“Daddy’s leaving?” Noah asked.

“I’ll be back, buddy, and I'd never forget to kiss you goodnight. You relax with mommy…she's been waiting all day for cuddle time with you.”

Liv smiled, mouthing the words thank you. Ed winked and went out to the living room to hook Ronin to his leash. It was hotter than hell outside so he slipped his house keys and phone into the pockets of his track pants. He was wearing his second gun on his ankle and his shield was clipped to the elastic of his sweatpants. 

Ed was sure it would just be another quiet walk but he was also a cop and if someone needed him, he was going to step in. That was always easier when you had your badge and your weapon. It wouldn’t lead to any confusion about who was doing what. When Liv heard the door close, she pulled Noah up on her lap and opened to the first page of the book.

“Snow!” he exclaimed.

“Yes, this book is all about snow. _One winter morning, Peter woke up and looked out the window. Snow had fallen during the night. It covered everything as far as he could see_.”

***

“Oh wow. Ohhh, Ed, mmm, mmm, oh Ed.”

“Really, baby?” Ed smirked.

“This cannot just be Jiffy cornbread.” She looked at him and pointed to herself. “I can make Jiffy cornbread and have so many times. This is more than that.”

It was thicker and richer than the cornbread from the box. It was almost like cake, except it was buttery and salty rather than sweet. Ed slathered it with butter and then added some cane syrup to really bring it all home. Liv was sure it was the best thing she'd ever eaten. And that was saying something since Ed was a great cook.

“I added a few of my own touches but the chef never reveals his secrets.”

“It’s perfect.”

Liv cuddled closer to him on the couch. Ed had his own plate of cornbread. If he hadn’t, it would've been second nature to wrap her up in his arms. Instead he smiled and kissed her forehead. 

The day was starting to wind down. Liv had got her cuddle and story time with Noah; the toddler was now sound asleep. They were having their comfort food with tea instead of alcohol. And for now, Liv’s tears were dried. There would surely be more but for tonight she was calm.

“Penny for your thoughts.” She said, diving her fork into the amazing bread on her plate.

“You.” He replied.

“Care to elaborate?”

“I love you.” Ed smiled.

“Some days you make it too easy.”

“Well, I guess that makes up for the times when I make it harder than hell.”

“I can count those times on one hand.” Liv said.

“Gimme a few years.”

“I plan to do that, Captain Tucker.”

She leaned to kiss him. He was her rock, her port in the storm. Having a strong man didn’t make Liv weak, it made getting by on the rough days easier. Just like Ed said, he would hold her up or they would fall together. He wasn’t the first man who made such a promise. 

Based on her experiences, Liv still felt the need to check in and see if that was what he wanted to do. Even as she was settling down, she was afraid. Even as she was thinking that the time would come and he would let go, she couldn’t. For as long as she could remember, Olivia Benson lived in the strange limbo of not trusting herself and only having herself to trust. She was going to trust herself with Ed.

***


End file.
